The bad...
I've applied for damn near every job on this side of the SFV that I totally qualified for, and a fair bit that I only marginally qualified for. I've applied for retail jobs. I've checked in with the temp agencies to make sure they haven't forgotten about me. Out of pure desperation, I've even applied for cleaning jobs--one at Molly Maid and another at an apartment complex resetting furnished apartments between tenants. I've spammed my resume all over the place and I've lost track of how many profiles I've set up on job search sites. Enough to become a victim of identity theft soon to be sure. My truck lost a caliper bolt and there's metal showing on one of the front tires so it's been parked. But even if that stuff were fixed, because of the whole budget mess, I haven't been able to apply for the CAP program as the services were suspended pending budget resolution. My check engine light is on which is an automatic fail for smog. The program is set to start back up in July but my tags expire next Saturday so now I have to go pay for an extension. And the best yet, my tax refund cushion, is basically gone. Every time I wrote the rent check, it ate away a chunk that could not be replenished with neither my mine nor my fiance's UI, or my ex's child support payments.
The good...
I've still been plugging away at the whole web design thing...but I'm a long way off from even having a portfolio of charity work put together, let alone making any money at it. We're not in danger of eviction...but we'll have to start paying the rent late within a few months as the money dwindles further. And that will cost an extra $60 a month we already don't have. It's a miracle I'm getting any sleep at night when even the good points have a "but" in them.
But speaking of sleep, I went insomniac for about a solid week over a drastic decision that I'm sincerely hoping will be the solution to all this, this...I don't even know what to call it...this mire of crushing hopelessness and calamity we've been stuck in? I've actually been thinking of this option for quite a while now but always dismissed it as insane and generally bad all around. I thought my reasons for not considering it, were solid at the time, but I hit a wall a few weeks ago. I reached and exceeded my limit for anxiety, stress, and flat out fear when I couldn't even get the Molly Maid job. The thought that I couldn't even get paid to do something I have to do at home for free was enough to break me down completely. I began questioning my reasons and found that they were less solid and more sentimental.
Anybody who knows me, knows sentimentality is one of my most self-crippling traits. This would definitely not be the first time I've allowed a bad situation to continue because of an attachment to some arbitrary aspect that was nearly meaningless to others. And in this case, I have definitely been projecting my sentimentality onto others. Since giving voice to the option, I've come to find out that I'm the only one who thought it was insane and bad. Which only served to make me question my reasons more and come to terms with the fact that we are gonna do this shit. It has evolved and crossed over from hypothetical-research-land to absolute-planning-ville. The only people who don't like it, have not been able to provide any solid reasons why...only sentimental ones.
I'm hesitant to say what it is (though I'm sure it's fairly obvious) for goofy superstitious reasons. It just seems like every hope I've posted about in this blog has been mercilessly crushed by some odd obstacle that has turned up just to thwart me. When I feel I can say more, I will. For now, the blog hiatus will most likely continue as I won't have much time for playing with makeup or Photoshop. I just hope I haven't tempted anything by saying as much as I have, to incur the wrath of the Jinx. This is too major and the contingency plan, should this one fail, is THE last thing I want to do...again.
I've still been plugging away at the whole web design thing...but I'm a long way off from even having a portfolio of charity work put together, let alone making any money at it. We're not in danger of eviction...but we'll have to start paying the rent late within a few months as the money dwindles further. And that will cost an extra $60 a month we already don't have. It's a miracle I'm getting any sleep at night when even the good points have a "but" in them.
But speaking of sleep, I went insomniac for about a solid week over a drastic decision that I'm sincerely hoping will be the solution to all this, this...I don't even know what to call it...this mire of crushing hopelessness and calamity we've been stuck in? I've actually been thinking of this option for quite a while now but always dismissed it as insane and generally bad all around. I thought my reasons for not considering it, were solid at the time, but I hit a wall a few weeks ago. I reached and exceeded my limit for anxiety, stress, and flat out fear when I couldn't even get the Molly Maid job. The thought that I couldn't even get paid to do something I have to do at home for free was enough to break me down completely. I began questioning my reasons and found that they were less solid and more sentimental.
Anybody who knows me, knows sentimentality is one of my most self-crippling traits. This would definitely not be the first time I've allowed a bad situation to continue because of an attachment to some arbitrary aspect that was nearly meaningless to others. And in this case, I have definitely been projecting my sentimentality onto others. Since giving voice to the option, I've come to find out that I'm the only one who thought it was insane and bad. Which only served to make me question my reasons more and come to terms with the fact that we are gonna do this shit. It has evolved and crossed over from hypothetical-research-land to absolute-planning-ville. The only people who don't like it, have not been able to provide any solid reasons why...only sentimental ones.
I'm hesitant to say what it is (though I'm sure it's fairly obvious) for goofy superstitious reasons. It just seems like every hope I've posted about in this blog has been mercilessly crushed by some odd obstacle that has turned up just to thwart me. When I feel I can say more, I will. For now, the blog hiatus will most likely continue as I won't have much time for playing with makeup or Photoshop. I just hope I haven't tempted anything by saying as much as I have, to incur the wrath of the Jinx. This is too major and the contingency plan, should this one fail, is THE last thing I want to do...again.
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